Well I have been told time & time again how well I'm doing, coping with my cancer & surgery! My decision to have my breasts removed was something that HAD to be done! A certain amount of disconnect was involved where you just get on with it! I've had people tell me that they couldn't have done it! I disagree, because until you are faced with your mortality you don't really know how you will react.
My husband has just been away for a month, which was quite difficult for me. We have been married for almost 22 years & don't spend a lot of time apart. So on his return I have turned to mush! I feel like all the strength I have had through my surgery & recovery has vanished.
Last night after an intimate moment with my husband, I felt immense grief. Like when I'd lost my father, but this time it was for the loss of my breasts......... I never expected to feel like that! I cannot explain it other than I sobbed with absolute grief for hours! I am blessed to have a man in my life that loves me totally & that my absence of nipples doesn't matter to him. Nor should it, but I have lost my usual self confidence. I suspect these feelings will continue, but hope that I can regain my usual confidence & strength. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells right now.
Having just received a bunch of brochures about my Cancer recently "How are you travelling?" I guess I'm not travelling as well as I thought I was!
I'm sure these feelings are common for anyone who has felt lose of any sort, I would love you to share how you have coped with this. Once again I want to thank all the people who have been very supportive through all I am going through. (because I suspect it is not over yet!)
All comments welcome.
awww, Nicky, it can be so scary when grief creeps up and overwhelms us. But we need to feel our pain, and let it out, sometimes. You had all that time alone while he was away and you probably needed to be strong then (I remember the funny photos you sent of your pretend pillow man, I didn't realise how sad you were to be alone when I saw those, just thought you were having a giggle, oh we're so good at hiding our pain!)
ReplyDeleteI think having a very big cry will probably have done you a power of good, that eggshell feeling is you being in touch with your fragility, nurture yourself as much as you can while you feel that way. We are all fragile, most of the time we hide it from ourselves. When those feelings come to the surface I find the best, best answer is a hug and to know that I am loved. It's tough when that's not available, thank goodness your husband is back home and sounds like he's a goodie. Love him, love yourself. Reach out and connect, friendship is a wonderful thing and your friends will be there for you too, as much as they are able, wait to feel better. You will in time. xxx
Thanks Lorraine, I know that time will heal..& I was having a laugh with pillow man, but yes I was also lonely. Thank you for your support & comments :-)
ReplyDeleteI have never experienced anything like your loss- but as a psychologist, I can tell you that what you were/are feeling is absolutely normal, and that you did the best things you could- cried and talked/wrote about it. You have experienced a major loss- not just your breasts, which is huge enough, with all the associated links to femininty etc., but also I think to your own invulnerablity, immortality- you've had to deal with having a life-threatening illness. Shock and grief are normal, even if you've been travelling well. Best to express it, acknowledge it, and keep going on. Strength to you. xxxx
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post Nicky, how brave of you to share so honestly and to have the courage to be vulnerable. I think it's so easy to feel alone in illness, because you're going through an experience that is different to almost everyone around you. I think your writing will help other women who are facing similar difficulties & I hope that those who need to hear your words and your story will find them.
ReplyDeleteI hope I can help others, but I guess they need to read my blog first! Courage? and I did think a few times before whether I was exposing too much! Decided what ever! Hope it helps others, because sharing it does help me! :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs from NY!! I think that you are handling the situation in an awesome fashion. It is hard having surgery and feeling differently after. I know that you will gain your normal confidence back soon. Hugs again!
ReplyDeleteOh darling, thanks so much for sharing. What you are going through is all shades of wrong. I think you are so, so strong, as is your wonderful partner. Hang in there, and thanks for sharing your journey with us. xo
ReplyDeleteThank you girls, it helps to know people are listening & hopefully if you have a friend,family member or (heaven forbid)yourself going through anything like this you will have some understanding & know that you are not alone and we all feel things at different times! I will always be there for you just let me know!@ :-)
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